Safewords for Better Relationships
A few years ago, I was introduced to the concept of safe words and have slowly been incorporating them more and more into my intimate, community, and friendship relationships. I've been incorporating them into my RDBSMA conversations during 'B' boundaries and found them very useful in relating to others, especially intimate partners.
𝐄𝐯𝐨𝐥𝐮𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐨𝐟 𝐒𝐚𝐟𝐞𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐬
The "traffic light" safe word system, featuring green, yellow, and red, is a widely used and recognized standard in the BDSM community. This system allows participants to communicate their physical or emotional state during a scene, ensuring a safe and consensual experience.
Initially, safe words were viewed as a sign of weakness or failure, but over time, the importance of their regular use became apparent. The stoplight system, introduced by some BDSM practitioners, popularized the use of green, yellow, and red safe words:
𝐆𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐧: "𝐌𝐨𝐫𝐞, 𝐏𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐞" – 𝐅𝐮𝐥𝐥 𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐄𝐧𝐭𝐡𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐚𝐬𝐦
𝑀𝑒𝑎𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑈𝑠𝑎𝑔𝑒: "Green" is a clear signal of comfort, enthusiasm, and a desire to continue or intensify the current activity. When someone uses "Green," it communicates that they are fully present, engaged, and enjoying the experience. This safeword is not just about consent but about enthusiastic participation. It can encourage partners to maintain or even heighten the scene's intensity.
𝐶𝑜𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑥𝑡𝑢𝑎𝑙 𝑁𝑢𝑎𝑛𝑐𝑒: "Green" can also be a way to affirm that the boundaries set before the scene are being respected and that the person feels safe and satisfied within those boundaries. It's a positive reinforcement that everything is going well, and the person may want to explore further or try new things.
𝐘𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐨𝐰: "𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐜𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐂𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧" – 𝐀𝐝𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭, 𝐒𝐥𝐨𝐰 𝐃𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐨𝐫 𝐀𝐭𝐭𝐮𝐧𝐞
𝑀𝑒𝑎𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑈𝑠𝑎𝑔𝑒: "Yellow" is a cautionary signal that indicates a need for adjustment. It suggests that while the person isn't in distress, something about the scene or activity is approaching a limit, physically or emotionally. It's a request to slow down, check-in, or modify the intensity without stopping the activity altogether.
𝐶𝑜𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑥𝑡𝑢𝑎𝑙 𝑁𝑢𝑎𝑛𝑐𝑒: "Yellow" can be used when something is slightly uncomfortable, a boundary is near, or when someone needs a moment to assess their feelings or physical state. It's not a sign of failure or that the scene must end, but rather a proactive way to ensure that the experience remains positive and consensual.
𝐑𝐞𝐝: "𝐒𝐭𝐨𝐩 𝐈𝐦𝐦𝐞𝐝𝐢𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐲" – 𝐅𝐮𝐥𝐥 𝐒𝐭𝐨𝐩, 𝐍𝐨𝐧-𝐍𝐞𝐠𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞
𝑀𝑒𝑎𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑈𝑠𝑎𝑔𝑒: "Red" is an unequivocal command to stop all activities immediately. It indicates that the person has reached their limit, whether physically, emotionally, or mentally, and that continuing the scene is no longer safe or consensual. "Red" is non-negotiable and requires an immediate cessation of all actions.
𝐶𝑜𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑥𝑡𝑢𝑎𝑙 𝑁𝑢𝑎𝑛𝑐𝑒: Using "Red" can happen for various reasons—physical pain, emotional overwhelm, a triggered memory, or simply feeling unsafe. It's a critical tool for maintaining personal boundaries and should be respected without question or delay.
"Red" doesn't necessarily mean something has gone wrong; it could simply indicate that the person has reached their natural limit for that particular scene.
** 𝐈𝐦𝐩𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐭 – when a RED is called, all participants stop everything and do not continue until each person involved verbally expresses green again (which may or may not happen)
I also credit the @Light Dark Institute for introducing a 4th safe word of Blue:
𝐁𝐥𝐮𝐞: "𝐈'𝐦 𝐃𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐨𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠" – 𝐌𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐥 𝐨𝐫 𝐄𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐃𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧
𝑀𝑒𝑎𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑈𝑠𝑎𝑔𝑒: "Blue" is a safe word that signals dissociation—a state where the person feels mentally or emotionally disconnected from the present situation. This can involve a sense of detachment from their body, emotions, or surroundings, often as a response to overwhelming sensations or triggers. Using "Blue" communicates that the person is no longer fully present in the scene. The scene doesn't necessarily need to stop but informs the other participants that this person may be disconnecting.
𝐶𝑜𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑥𝑡𝑢𝑎𝑙 𝑁𝑢𝑎𝑛𝑐𝑒: Dissociation can happen when someone is experiencing something too intense or activating, causing them to mentally "check out" as a protective mechanism. This can be especially relevant in scenes that involve emotional vulnerability, pain, or elements that resonate with past trauma. "Blue" is not just about physical boundaries; it highlights the importance of monitoring and responding to the mental and emotional state of participants.
𝐖𝐡𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐇𝐨𝐰 𝐝𝐨 𝐈 𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐒𝐚𝐟𝐞𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐬?
Some of you may not be interested in kink, BDSM, or any impact play and might believe you do not need these safewords. Think again! Their beauty is that they can be used in so many more situations.
A few examples:
𝐃𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚 𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧.
Last night, my partner and I were having a challenging conversation. At some point, I noticed that we were moving down a predictable path of escalation and potentially one or both of us saying something harmful. I called a yellow – meaning the conversation didn't need to stop, but it did need to slow down, and both of us became more aware of our words' pacing, energy, and impact.
Another time, a previous partner started to pack her things to leave the house during a disagreement. I called 'Red,' and she stopped. We spoke and got to Green, avoiding a much more significant escalation and conflict.
𝐃𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐌𝐚𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠
Safewords have revolutionized aspects of love-making for my partners and me. For example, let's say I'm engaged in rough play with a partner with whom I have no safe word agreements. Without knowing or trusting her to ask me to slow down, stop, or change something, I will likely act hesitantly and probably leave both of us dissatisfied. With an agreement to use safewords – I might engage in something aggressive and say, "What color are you?" to be sure she's still green. I will also trust her to use a yellow if things become overwhelming to her physically or emotionally.
𝐖𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐅𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐂𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐮𝐧𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐨𝐫 𝐒𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐞 𝐏𝐥𝐚𝐲
A benefit of developing a safeword practice within a community is that we can support each other's boundaries and edges – maybe leaning into a conversation or touch that might be edgy and trusting each other to use safe words as needed.
These scenarios, along with the many I've described, take practice and skill. I practice often with partners, clients, and friends. I teach it at workshops, and usually, a big part of aftercare in scenes and play with lovers and friends is talking about how we used or didn't use our safewords, maybe called yellow when we were really red, etc.
Written by Keith M.